preschool

Today I sit here alone.  I roam the house as if I've never seen this floor plan before.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I've already cleaned the living room and the playroom.  The kitchen still needs to be clean, but lets face it, I would rather walk around this empty house then clean a kitchen any day.  I look in the mirror and I feel guilty.  Am I asking myself, did I make the right choice?

Izzy started her first day of preschool today.  She will go from 8-3 which includes a nap.  I'm nervous.  I sent her to daycare once before, only for a couple of hours, but it never lasted.  I could not stand the screaming and crying as I had to walk away from my baby.  Today was no different.  Izzy stood close to Chris and I as she cautiously explored her new school.  We were never out of arms reach and she never let us out of her sight.  As Chris and I slipped out the front door I had tears rolling down my face listening to Izzy scream for us from the classroom.

My head is telling me to just go get her.  Go rescue her.  My heart is telling me that this is good.  Right now my head is louder.  It is a struggle right now to stay in my quiet home and surrender to this moment.  Is it 3 o'clock yet?

So between paragraphs I checked my email.  I can't let that little red number 1 go unnoticed as I cry my way through this post.  I'm glad I did because it was and email from my sister...... and it is just what I needed to make me smile. She writes.....

             "Dude, you made one good looking kid... I think she gets it from her aunt ;) proud of you for  
             letting her go to preschool! she'll get into a routine and it won't be as bad. I love all my years
             at dale sykes [her old daycare] and i'm NOT preggers nor in jail yet so I think it is a
             good thing!

                Love ya'll!
                Emily"

::
One of my favorite photographers is part of a 12 month project called "What ______ Looks Like".  For 12 months you will fill in the blank with a different word and "capture your family in a real and beautiful way." 

So today I am filling in the blank......  "What Letting Go Looks Like"......

choices are made

So some choices have been made and just like everything with the Navy, nothing is ever final.  Here is the background story....

Chris had a chance to go to Singapore to earn another masters degree, leaving this April for six months.  Then we would return to Monterey for another year so that he could finish his masters degree that he started here.  I think there were about 30 applicants and as of last week they had narrowed it down to five. Chris being one of the five.  They were only selecting three to go, so that is what we were waiting on.  We went back and forth with the idea of going to Singapore.  Is it the right move for Chris?  Would Izzy and I join him?  Would we pack our things up and get rid of the house that we are renting which we absolutely love? Would Izzy and I just go back to Georgia for the six months? What happens now with our plans for a second baby?  It was a lot of grown up decisions to make.  And we made them.  We were going to pack everything up and the three of us were going to go on a wild journey to Singapore.  Enjoy the culture, their food and maybe earn a masters degree somewhere between all the fun we were going to have.

Well we found out today that he was not picked for the program.  While my heart gave a huge sigh of relief and my body did a little secret happy dance, my husband is deeply disappointed.  Today it is hard to talk to him about anything.  I'm trying to make  him realize the good that is coming from us staying.  He won't listen.  He wants to be mad.  So I am giving him today to be mad at the world, alone, and then we will move on.  Now here is a side note and why something is never final in the Navy.... he is the first runner up if someone out of the three who were picked decide they do not want to go.  Deep down my fingers are crossed for him even though it means I have to let go of a lot of things I am clinging to right now. 

Maybe we are going to get to go somewhere awesome next.  Somewhere where we can have bigger adventures and see more of the world.  Who knows? But for now, we put this behind us and we continue to wait for our options.  

choices

I've sat down several times and have written several posts.  Some sentimental.  Some like hate mail.  But I've never hit post because 1. I didn't have any pictures and 2. I'm just not sure who really cares to read my stuff.  So to sum up my unposted documents....  There are days when I think about how things would be different in my life if I had made different choices but I'm brought back to reality the moment I hear the word "mommy".  And I am grateful for the choices I have made.  Then there are the choices you make as an adult.  The choices you make as a military family.  The choices you make as a parent.  Currently we are waiting on the Navy to hear if our choices of where to go next are the same places they would choose.  It's stressful.  It's hard thinking that you might be moving further away from your family and friends then actually getting closer.  It's hard to put off plans that you thought were going to work out perfect but in the end were not the Navy's plans.  So right now we are waiting....





In the meantime we are doing what we do best... spending time together.   My husband is not home a lot this quarter but when he is home, oh, it's good!  Thursday always used to be my favorite day.  It felt like it was the eve before a big party or Christmas.  When in fact, it is the eve to Friday which brings less stress and weekends together. The weekends are now my favorite because he is home with us.  We get to soak him up until Sunday night comes.













This past weekend we have acquired a little three drawer stand from one of my garage sale purchases.  My goal is to flip it and put it in our living room to hold diapers and wipes and other assorted junk that we would like to hide from our visitors.  I have to laugh out loud and remind myself that it is about the experience and making something with your hands.... cost of the stand $10..... cost of supplies to get the orginal paint off $30...... and we haven't even bought the paint or the knobs yet!  hahaha. 





This week also brought us a playdate at the aquarium.  I hate going to the aquarium.  Izzy is not interested in the fish.  She is interested in running around in the dark with me chasing after her.  However, this time at the aquarium was different.  She LOVED it!!


Izzy and Miss Edi enjoying some fishies!














Yeah, MY daughter built this!!  Genius!! Scholarship!!


Miss Edi and Amanda looking at the seahorses. 

So while we wait on life to makes it's choice on what it wants us to do, we will continue to pass our days coloring, playing, learning, exploring and growing up.

 

Insanity

Here is my attempt to journal about my journey with the Insanity Workout DVDs.  60 days of raw, intense workouts to get my body bikini ready (or in my head.... baby ready). 

Day One.... (Fit Test)
We did this on a Saturday, Chris and I together.  All it was was a fit test so that you can measure your progress throughout the program.  Well I didn't realize that we were supposed to be writing this stuff down soooo Fit Test was a fail.  However, I couldn't move the next day.

Day One Redo... (Fit Test)
This time I started it on a Monday, alone.  I did pretty well.  I documented my weight, measurements of my body and then my numbers for each exercise.  I did pretty well.  Izzy was napping so I could cry alone.  Just kidding.  Anyway, I took some more of Amanda's "great" advice and decided to take some pictures of my body. Front, back and side...... this was enough for me not to want to eat the rest of the day.  If I end up getting ripped then I might post these before and after pictures but otherwise they are staying locked in my vault for my eyes only when I need a reminder that I should put the fork down and go for a walk. 

Day Two.... (The have their own name for these workouts but I am going to call it "Crazy Cracked Out Circuit Training")
Izzy was awake for this one.  She exercised right along with me, then tried to feed me yogurt covered pretzels mid workout, then some fake tea from her kitchen.  She watched me ball my eyes out as I huffed and puffed and almost threw up through each exercise.  BUT I did it.  I completed the DVD.  I might not have done all the exercises perfectly or at super sonic speed but I did work out.  As a result, getting up the stairs to shower was a challenge and blowing drying my hair is just going to have to wait till another day. 

Day three is tomorrow.  Pray I can get out of bed. 

friday phone dump... late

There is one particular blog that I am very fond of, written by Kelle Hampton.  She has started this new thing called the "Friday Phone Dump" where she compiles some of the pictures she took that week on her cell phone and post them on her blog.  I thought this was a great idea!!  Sometimes I just don't have my big camera handy but I always carrying my cell phone.  So I have stolen her idea.  It might not look as cool as hers but I'm stil learning the ins-and-outs of Photoshop.  So here is my first "Friday Photo Dump" (on a Sunday).


1. Our neighbor Devan takes his son, Dustin, for his first motorcycle ride (just around the cal-de-sac, of course!)
2.  Ella playing space cadet with Chris' motorcyle helmet the night before our big garage sale.
3.  The amazing shiner my daughter received from a fight with a plastic children's chair. 
4.  Chis and Izzy coloring before our dinner at our favorite restaurant... "Islands"
5.  Chris's first time cooking out on our grill.  He is a master now!
6.  Sneaking Oreos while the Chinese girls were away in LA since they eat all of them without sharing with us.
7.  Izzy chilling in the girl's bedroom.
8.  My three Chinese girls at the movies for the first time in America seeing "Smurfs".

::
So here we are, the night before my three girls head back to China! It is bittersweet.  I've loaded them up with sandwiches, doritos, oreos, coke, juice and maybe a piece of fruit for their crazy all-day and all-night travel schedule.  As for me, it is time to detox on the food intake.  It's time to get this body bikini ready!!  What do you mean we are headed into winter and it doesn't matter anyway since it is only 60 degrees in Monterey all. the. time?!? Well I guess I will start getting ready for next summer.  :)

just an ordinary day

We've been a little busy around here.  Needless to say a bit hectic.  Living with three tweens, a toddler and a husband has made these last three weeks crazy.  As a result I haven't picked up my camera.  I've wanted to document what was going on in my house.  I wanted to show the world the three adorable Chinese girls I acquired.  I wanted to, I really did.  A mixture of things left me unmotivated and left my camera sitting on top of my dresser just begging to be picked up.  Then one ordinary evening, something very ordinary happened and it was the one thing that made me topple up the stairs in a gitty fit needing to grab my camera....... here it is.



They are beautiful, aren't they!  I was so impressed with the brownie design that I created... it just had to make an appearance.  So then I thought maybe I should take a few more pictures of some other happenings around the house.



This is one of our Chinese girls, Alice.  She is my helper and entertainer out of the three girls.  She longs for Izzy to like her and play with her but lets face it, Izzy is two and she doesn't like anyone and would rather play alone.  I was hoping for this miracle visit from these three girls.  I was hoping it would bring a new culture, a sense of siblings and overseas friends for my little girl.  I don't think any of that happened.  Izzy was shunned from the girl's bedroom after the second day and since then really hasn't wanted to be around the girls.  The three girls tended to keep to the three of them and rarely socialized with us.  They even spoke Chinese at the dinner table.  It wasn't the experience I was hoping for but there were a few moments that I enjoyed.  Like.... driving home with them in the car after school and hearing all about their day, cooking dinner with Alice, listening to their heartfelt note of thanks at the banquet, and hearing all the ohhhhhh's and awwwwe's when ever I showed them something amazing like a drawer in the fridge full of juice boxes just for them.  Would I do it again?  Not this age but definitely another foreign exchange student. 





Look at these too!!  My husband got major bonus points for these.  He brought these home on the day I started life with a new perspective.  Originally I thought the little plastic letters said "Just Believe" and I thought that was so appropriate.  After I read his note, cried like a baby, I realized those letters said "Just Because".  In my head they still say "Just Believe" and I'm happy with that.  While the note was perfect and so personal there is one line that made me realize why I married him... he wrote... "I want you to love yourself as much as I love you".  This is just the challenge I needed and realization that even though he is not around much, he loves me more even when I feel like I hit rock bottom. 
So where is he you may ask.... here....



When he is not at school... he is here at our dining room table, writing codes, figuring statistics and trying to make since of graduate school.  I love when he is home and working.  I can steal kisses in between diaper changes, making meals and cleaning.  He leaves early in the morning, comes to bed late but always has time for kisses (from Izzy and I both). 

So that is what is happening around our house.  Peace and quite will come on Monday and I will be able to breathe.  Phone calls can be made, emails can be answered, photos can be edited and my life can be taken off the "pause" button.   One. More. Ordinary. Day. 

new perspectives

So this morning I was supposed to start my "new perspective" day!  I was supposed to throw all the ideas and dreams of what this duty station would bring us out the window and finally enjoy where I am, whom I'm with (even if it's not my husband), and what I'm doing.  Unfortunately, I started out this morning crying over a banana and yogurt.  Can you believe it?!?  Even after my pep talk to myself in the car yesterday, I couldn't do it! I couldn't look this day in the face and slap it.  Instead I ate chips and salsa for breakfast, a family size box of mac and cheese (of course, I shared it with Izzy.  She got lucky.), took a 2.5 hour nap with Izzy and ate a big ole cheese burger and two helpings of fries for dinner.  Needless to say I think I'm going to be sick but tomorrow is another day.  Chris told me I was allowed a redo.

So tomorrow I will.........
*Wake up with more energy (and with a smile).
*I will turn negative thoughts into positive words.
*enjoy the beach even if I have to wear a snowsuit.
*be thankful I am doing something I totally enjoy and get on the ball with it.
*start checking things off my list.
*being a better wife, mother and friend.
*pick up my camera to document our lives and not just my client's lives. 
*not count my failures or attempts, I will count my successes and multiple blueprints that made me better.
*support my husband and finally realize being at school is a job and he will have to work late some nights and not to take it personally.
*and finally.... I will take better care of myself and take pride in my body, mind and soul.

There I said it!  Now it's out on paper so I guess I have to do it.  So I better get some rest since I have a big day tomorrow.  Cheers to new perspectives!

This is the last post without any pictures.  I promise. 

Exhausted.

Right now I'm laying in my cozy bed, my blankets are draped over one knee while my exposed leg rest on top and catches the breeze from the fan.  My husband is diligently working away on school work at our main computer (which is where he has been since he started this quarter).  My body is tired, my eyes are tired and I'm just plain ole exhausted. 

You see... we acquired three exchange students from China Friday night.  Two eleven year olds and one 12 year old.  What was I thinking?!? I am busy making home made dinners every night, making sure there is enough food for their lunches, laundry is washed and air mattresses are filled.  Meanwhile, I am still caring for our two year old daughter who craves attention the moment her feet hit the floor in the morning.  It's only been three days!! THREE DAYS!!!

So why am I blogging? I don't know.  I feel like there is something dwelling deep inside of me and if I don't let it out I might explode!  I'm counting down the hours until I get to make my way in Monterey on my own and enjoy a little girl time with a game of bunco with my fellow military wives.  I am in need of an inspiration to finish my photo editing and to create something beautiful and unique.  I want to be better.  I need to be better.  I cannot fail at this too. 

Well my brain is dead, my fingers are about to stop,  6:45 comes too early. Good night.